I was reading a blog that I frequent when I came across a reference to a very important post which pointed to a very interesting site. (is that confusing?) Anyway, thank you Syd for posting this link. Had you not, I probably never would have seen it!  Go check it out!

Sometimes I feel like my life has entered an alternate universe. I got in another fight with my daughter last night. My sisters daughter is 3 years younger and my daughter can be so mean to her. Of course if I hold my daughter accountable for her actions and words then I am taking my niece's side. Then I hear "Everyone loves the niece more, everyone takes the niece's side" She thinks everyone hates her. I tried to explain that it's not that everyone hates her and asked her to look at the possibility that perhaps it's because she is carrying so much anger around and lashing out at everyone.

I know she is going through so much. But I really can't stand to hear her tell me how much she hates me or how I've ruined her life by leaving her dad or how her dad doesn't deserve me, that I'm not good enough for him. She has created this memory of what our relationship was like, as if it were perfect and has left out all the fighting and arguing her father and I did. My sister reminded her the other day of conversations they had in which my daughter would cry and ask my sister "Why does my mom stay with my dad, he's so mean."

I've made mistakes. A lot of them. Some of those in the last year. Some pertaining to everything that is bothering her right now. I can't change that. I'm taking responsibility for my mistakes, my choices, I don't hide from it. I stand up and face it. I'm doing the best I can. She has a right to be upset, I certainly don't blame her. She's had to deal with some fucked up shit. But what I'm trying to get her to understand is that it IS what it is. I'm not going to leave my relationship because she doesn't like it. I want to be an example to her that you go after what is right for yourself even if it's not conventional or it's not main stream. Then I have to listen to her father tell me that I'm being selfish and I'm not putting my children first. Maybe he's right. I don't know.

He can not stand the relationship I'm in. I understand that. I don't expect him to ever accept it or condone it. I just ask him to not put his feelings onto our kids. My daughter is so afraid that if she starts accepting my home the way it is, or has fun with us, then she is betraying her father. I want him to give her the freedom to make her own choices. The 3 of us sat down to discuss all this and I found out that he asks her things that make her uncomfortable or makes comments that makes her uncomfortable. Like asking where I'm at and if C is with me. He asks her who shoes she has on, or whose clothes she has on and if they're C's he gets mad. He said it feels like a betrayal to him. I was like "Over some shoes?" I tried to explain to him that there are 4 women (my daughter, my sister, my girlfriend, and myself) that all wear each others clothes, it's really not that uncommon and that if she is wearing C's shoes it certainly isn't meant to be a betrayal to him. In the end he agreed to try to stop taking things so personal and to work on allowing our daughter to make up her own mind.

The screaming match ended with my sister interfering. She couldn't stand it any longer. While she tried explaining to my daughter that she is "killing" me, I called her dad to come over. (Nobody seems to realize that I'm desperate if I'm calling him to help me deal with her on this issue. It just opens me up to have to deal with him being judge and jury over my life) After the phone call I was sent to my room (by my sister). C was there for me to hold me in her arms and tell me how sorry she was that my daughter was hurting me. After a few minutes my daughter came out to talk to me. While I was talking to her my sister had to go take care of something for a friend and she says "Do you mind if C goes with me". So C left me, couldn't even be there to help me pick up the pieces that the ex and the daughter have left me in. I was so hurt. I wanted her to have told my sister "No, I can't go. Unbalanced needs me." So I went to bed. Alone. Devastated.

Then I wake up at 2:17 this morning and she's not there. It scared me. I got up, looked outside, both cars were there. So I go up to my sisters room and there they are. Hanging out. While my world is being turned upside down, she's chillin', hanging out. I told her that I did not feel important to her at all. She said she's going to make it up to me. How can you make something like that up to someone. I needed her last night. Her being there tonight is not going to help the despair I felt last night. I just laid in bed and cried for over an hour. I felt like I have been on the front lines of a war. Fighting “our” battle. And she totally abandoned me. I was looking back over the arguments with the ex and my daughter and then looking at how she just left me, asking myself “Is this what I’m fighting for?”

So many times over the last few weeks I have felt like it would just be so much easier if I ended it or let her end it. I mean I’m the one out there fighting the fight. I have felt so disconnected to her that I struggle with the question “Is it worth it?” But what about my happiness? What about what I want? Do I fucking count for anything???

Ok, I’ve rambled on long enough and just brought all those emotions back to the surface.

Disclaimer: There's a lot I'm not putting into this post about my situation. When and if I reveal some of the harder things to grasp in this situation, I want to be able to tell the story behind it. I don’t know maybe that will make it better somehow.

I had a great weekend. Friday night was my girlfriend's last night to work overnight, now she's on the day shift! That in itself is great news.

Work Friday was an easy day. I only work 5 hours on Fridays and spent 4 of those in a First Aid/CPR class. Not a bad way to spend a work day, definitely could come in handy one day. Friday night I had plans to go out with a new friend, 'Cole. She's from TN, just moved here about 6 months ago to take a job. Her girlfriend and 3 other friends came to visit for the weekend and we hit the town. Her friends were a trip! I can't remember the last time I laughed so much. We went to some new places I hadn't been too. Didn't get home 'til 4:30 in the morning. Shit I'm gettin too old for that.

Saturday we ran around all day, grocery shopping, taking kids here and there, just running errands. We planned to spend a quiet night at home, watching a movie. We had just settled down when 'Cole called, she needed us to bring something over to her. They were getting ready to go out and talked us into going. Oh man these girls were cracking us up! So we rushed home to get ready and headed back downtown. Had another great time and possibly drank too much. Got home about 4:00.

Sunday my sister woke us up around noon; time to get started on my niece's birthday party. I picked up my kids; my girlfriend and all the kids headed out to the lake and my sister and I headed to the store. We cooked out, drank beer, played volleyball, and I stayed away from the water. It was a beautiful day but no way was going anywhere near the cold water. We came home and went to bed early. All in all, it was an awesome weekend!

Scorpio You are very dominant in bed, and you like to control your relationship in general. You are so intense in the sack that none of your partners will ever forget you. You are an amazing lover, because you like to have an equal amount of give and take. Sex matches: Cancer, Capricorn, Pisces Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com

21 Firsts...

1. Who was your first prom date? My best friend and I went stag together
2. Who was your first roommate(s)? The same best friend I went to prom with
3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink the first time you got drunk? Screwdrivers... and playing quarters is not a very wise thing to do the very first time you experiment. I didn't think I was feeling the effects at all until I stood up and promptly passed out.
4. What was your first job? Babysitting.
5. What was your first car? 1996 Berretta
6. When did you go to your first funeral? A few years ago, the husband of a co-worker passed away and we went. I've been lucky to not have lost anyone close to me and I hope I don't, at least for a very long time.
7. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown? I've not moved away as an adult. We moved a lot when I was a kid, but I always wanted to come back here.
8. Who was your first grade teacher? I don't remember. I went to sooo many different schools, they became a blur.
9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? When I was 15, I flew to Missouri to see my mom. It was like 6 o'clock in the morning when my flight left and I was alone and so scared. I had an aisle seat and when the plane started to taxi I moved to the window. One guy who was sitting in front of me turned around and told me I was not allowed to switch seats, it would throw off the balance of the plane. I was so nervous that I believed him and started to move. I think the look on my face made him feel bad, he immediately apologized for his "bad" joke and turned around sheepishly. I went back to the window seat, I didn't want to miss a thing.
10. When did you sneak out of your house for the first time, who was it with? I don't even remember the first time, I snuck out a lot. I remember one time, I was living with one of my best friend during high school. She had just had a baby a few months before and wasn't able to just sneak out anymore. So one night when I snuck out she told her mom. Her mom was waiting for me when I snuck back in.
11. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends with them? My first best friend was Tisha, we met in junior high and shortly after that I moved in with her. I lived with them for 3 years, until I got pregnant with my daughter. Sometime after that we started drifting apart, going down different roads in our lives. I still kept in touch with her mother, boy did I love her. She was the greatest. We ended up losing touch about 8 years ago, but reconnected last September. I went to visit them, I got to see Tisha, but really my connection is with her mom. During the summer that I got pregnant with my oldest I met my second best friend. We are still very close and see each other at least a few times a week.
12. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents house? I lived in a group home for children.
13. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day? my best friend
14. Who's wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid/groomsman? I was a junior bride's maid in my "big sister's" wedding.
15. What is the first thing you do in the morning? Hit the snooze button.
16. What was the first concert you ever went to? NKOTB baby! (New Kids On The Block).
17. First tattoo or piercing? I don't remember how old I was when I got my ears pierced. I was 24 when I got my tongue pierced and I got my first tattoo on the day of my 18th birthday.
18. First celebrity crush? Joey from NKOTB.
19. Age of first kiss? I don't remember my first kiss.
20. First crush? Don't remember that either. (Boy either my memory is getting really bad or I've blocked a lot of things, lol)
21. First time you did drugs? Again I don't remember. (hmmm, maybe that's what happened to my memory)

Okay blog friends, tag yourselves. Let me know if you do it!