I thought last night would be a bust, but in the end it all worked out. I've been cautious going forward in this relationship for fear (irrational or not, I'm just not sure yet) that she might just go thru the motions and not really give 100%. Side note: Not sure if I've mentioned this but she works overnight and I work during the day. Usually I wake her up when I get home if she isn't awake already. Oh, and she is VERY hard to wake up most of the time. I'm usually home by 5:20 but didn't get home until 6:00 last night. So I get home last night and go into our room to wake her up. She doesn't budge. I leave her alone for a few minutes, but go back and try it again. Nothing. 7:00 rolls around and I try again, all the while I'm sad, I always take it personal when she doesn't wake up, like she doesn't feel it's important enough. (I know, pathetic) We have only a few short hours to see each other before she goes to work. She finally gets up a few minutes after 7, whew! But what really made it ok is that she woke up and was upset with herself because she realized how little time we had together. With a household of 8 people, 4 kids running around, dinner to be made, dishes to be washed, laundry to be put away, bills to pay, and working opposite shifts; we really only have very few opportunities to even be around each other. She apologized to me and raced to do everything she needed to do and joined me in what I needed to do, just to get a little time with me. I definitely felt validated, and not avoided (which is one of my fears). Like I said, little by little. Hopefully in 2 weeks she will be going to day shift!

So, little by little things are getting better. I'm definitely making some big efforts to control my temper and possessive ways. I hope she can see how much I'm working for our relationship. To be honest though, it's hard. I feel so insecure now, always wondering what she's thinking, is she regretting her decisions. But I have to remind myself that my insecurities are issues I have with me, not her. She is doing a good job of being independent, not sacrificing what she wants or needs to placate me, and still letting me know I'm loved and cherished at the same time. I'm just trying to get to that point where I can be confident in myself and my abilities to show her she is loved and cherished as well.

ttfn

Ok, so this weekend started early for me. I took Friday off because Thursday was almost unbearable. My relationship began almost a year ago but got serious about August. It was intense from the beginning, for many reasons, one of which is that we already lived together when our relationship started. It has been a rocky road so far. But Thursday made me realize how much I take her for granted. In true Scorpio fashion, I can be possessive and jealous, and because of past hurts and insecurities I have kept her at a distance emotionally, making her always feel she wasn't doing enough. Boy did I fuck up. About 10 o'clock Thursday night she very calmly told me that she was setting me free to be with someone who could make me happy. She said she was done trying in our relationship and always feeling like a failure.

We stayed up all night talking, crying, me trying to convince her to give me another chance, her trying to convince me that she couldn't go through another break up like this. It was absolutely horrible, heart wrenching. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. Thing is, I'm a very strong person, I have been through so much in my life already and always manage to get through it with grace, strength, and perseverance. So for me to so undone by the ending of this relationship, one I don't always act like I want to be in, seemed uncharacteristic. But I was devastated. I realized I was being so stupid. She loves me for everything that I am and with everything that she is and yet because she wasn't "perfect" I constantly made her feel unworthy. I regret it so much. I can't believe I've been such an ass. The worst part... I somehow morphed into my (soon to be) Ex-husband and he morphed into me. I know exactly how it feels to be in her position and I hated it.
She asked me to give her a few days to think about things. As hard as it was I shut up and just let her think. In 41 hours I only slept for an hour and half, I didn't eat for 2 days. I just had no desire to do either. Luckily she decided to give us another chance. Whew! I want to take every day to let her know how much I love her. I just hope I don't fail her.

Well, about a year ago almost to the day my life started changing, dramatically. I started keeping a journal, here I am a year later and feeling like I need my journal back. Instead of a handwritten one that I constantly have to hide I decided to start a blog instead. I may even find my old journal and post it here. We'll see.

ttfn